Some Amazon Previews are simply too short to write up a proper shitty review. That’s where this series comes in. And I hate it when people self publish a book and claim it’s part of a series before other books are even written. Get a life.
Abby Normal Has A Bad Day: The Misadventures of Abby Normal
Look closely at that cover. Like really closely. See her mouth? See the herp sore? Why would you put that on the cover of your YA/kids novel? Teenage boys read too (I did) so why would they want to stare at a cold sore? Why would anyone want to stare at one? I know this is a young cover model and you don’t exactly need her in a bikini, but still…PHOTOSHOP ABRASIONS AND LESIONS. Maybe she gets a cold sore in the book and it ruins her prom night or whatever it is young girls do these days. Her twerk party. Nobody wants a herp twerking on him.
Get it? Her name? Abby Normal AKA abnormal. The prologue (motherFUCKER) tells us that her middle moniker is Noughton. Abby Noughton Normal. Not unnormal. Are you following this? She’s not unnormal so she’s normal. Abnormally not unnormal. That’s SO Abby. LOL she has a cold sore. AnySTD, if this book really is for kids, that prologue has got to go. It. Is. So. Boring.
Until she was eight, Abby spent some part of every day with her grandparents[Nan and Papa]…Because both of Abby’s parents work, her mom in a law firm and her dad a chef. [BOOORRRRIIIIINNNNGGG] Then Nan and Papa moved away. Papa got a new job with a school for Marine Engineers [sic] (men who worked on ships) and he and Nan lived at that school. [WHO CAAAAAAARES. BOOOOORRRRIIIIING. AND WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR LIP? ARE YOU SICK?]
No kid will read that. Not even the author’s kid.
I heard the front door open and immediately put down my I-pod.
Nobody uses Ipods anymore. And it’s Ipod, not I-pod.
I eased myself out of the red Barcalounger…
No kid knows what a Barcalounger is. I don’t even really know what a Barcalounger is.
“What is this?” My grandmother held up an almost empty can of Campbell’s tomato soup.
The directions on a can of Campbell’s tomato soup say that it’s one can of soup and one can of water. Why would there still be soup in the fucking can? Unless it was one of those big cans, in which case Grandma AKA Nan should hit Abby over the head with it a few times, the wasteful little piggy shit. No wonder she has sores on her mouth.
The Dream Life Formula: Live, Work and Play Successfully
Isn’t that what we all want?
Yes, of course, white guy pressing his boner against a woman on a rock. That’s what we all want. And how do you “play successfully”?? If you fail at playing, just off yourself. But what, pray tell, is the Dream Life Formula?? Allow me to unpack.
This book is apparently taught in sentences.
One sentence at a time.
One after the other, no paragraphs.
Maybe they’re supposed to be inspirational or quotable?
Some of the sentences are randomly bold and centered.
Some of the sentences are randomly bold but not centered.
Examples? Sure.
No longer does he have to suffer the humiliation of asking for time off from work…
That’s humiliating? Because I do it all the time.
We wrote this book for YOU to be able to change the status quo and Live Your Best Life by following the path we had to walk in great pain till [sic – a till is the part of the cash register that encases the money, you might have meant “’til” or even just using “until” would have worked] our souls bled and our self-respect stopped existing.
So you want the reader to follow the same pain-filled, soul-bloodletting, self-respect-killing path that you followed? I hope it’s off the beaten path! I’ll walk it proudly then. And sadly.
That’s WHY we wrote this book…
Really?? Is that why the title of that section was Why Did We Write This Book? I was hoping for a section with holistic recipes, myself.
The disclaimer section (fuck you!) follows and tells us that it’s a little too risky to start a business (which is what I assume this book is about) and that it’s not the author’s fault if you fuck it up and that we, the readers, must assume that any products mentioned are affiliated with the author. I smell “Shark-Tank-Laugh-Off” here. Do you ever watch that show? You should.
I’m assuming this isn’t the actual content of the book because there’s nothing very practical in the preview chapters. It’s things like:
Like the caterpillar you will become the butterfly!
You will not be exposed to information overload…
Live, Work, and Play…You have to create a balance between them…
Design your own business…
No more brain fog, no more indecision, only clear living…
The quest to live your dream is not static…
Designing your dream life and an online business is not living it…
You will be equipped to build a 5-6 or 7 figure per year business…
All I read though was
Bullshit
Bullshit
Bullshit
Bullshit
This is a book version of those spam emails you get all the time.
The preview marketably ends with
What prevents me from living my dream lifestyle right now?
Uh…Reading shit like this definitely doesn’t help. Go read The 4 Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss instead.
Shunned: An Amish Awakening, Book 1
There is no shortage of Amish literature among the self-published. The main character is always a Rebecca or Hannah and there’s always something about sexual desire or being illegitimately pregnant. Because I guess having sex is the only sin that Amish women commit? What about their fashion sense? Sin-FUL. Anyway, it’s misogynistic and backwards and insulting to women. Wait, isn’t misogynism pretty much insulting to women? Anyslapthatho, most of these terrible Amish books are written by women, if not all of them. It’s gross, especially the erotic ones, like this book. I don’t believe in living and fucking your darkest desires vicariously through characters in your books. It’s dangerous and sickening and a threat to literature and a threat to women. Cut it out.
This “book” is part of a short-novel series about a girl who accidentally looks at “the largest penis she’d ever seen” and falls bonnet over heels into a sexual underground she never knew existed. There’s like 17 books in this series or something, I didn’t check. But keep your desperation and innately depraved sexual desires to yourself please. Or go take them out on some actual Amish people. Cut the shit.
Life After: The Cemetery Plot (Short Stories Book 1)
Here’s the problem I have with this writing. It’s not that it sucks (and it does), it’s how the action is described. Looky here:
…Holt Prendergrast shatters a mournful tranquility by clearing his throat with enough force to make the room cringe. Thawed by the broken silence, his wife Judy mechanically lurches forward, grabbing a tissue and ineffectually dabbing at her dry eyes. Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, Holt clears his throat again and cracks his knuckles. Judy looks over, her lips parting as if to speak. Snapping them shut, Judy faces forward…
First of all, try and snap your lips shut. Go ahead, try. That’s right, YOU CAN’T. And even if you could, you’d just look like a ridiculous caricature of yourself. Secondly, what a name. Holt Prendergrast. Just say it to yourself a few times. Regal. Legal. Elegant. Holt Prendergrast. Thirdly, he “shattered” a silence. Do you know what shattered means? A throat clearing would hardly shatter anything. Fourth of all, his wife was “thawed” by it. Um, thawing is a slow and gradual process, not exactly something that can be shattered. Fifthly, she “mechanically lurches forward.” Huh? Do you know what a lurch is? You pretty much can’t do it mechanically, it’s abrupt. Finally, Holt cleared his throat again. Why? Judy had already mechanically lurched. She was paying attention. That passage is so boring and tedious, the author had to add in all of these colorful and SNAPPY words to make up for it. I can only assume the rest of the story is written that way. No snapping thanks.
Done in 60 Seconds 